I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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