I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
