tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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