god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
