when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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