I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
