When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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