after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's always time for handjobs
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
