one might say we're banned from that church
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
