Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
