Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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