people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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