So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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