btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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