youre lurking in front of me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
