I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
