Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
