I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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