kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
