Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
