before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
