if i can run in heels then i can drive
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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