My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
