Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
