I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
