tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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