I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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