When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
