I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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