I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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