Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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