The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
