I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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