I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
