Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
