last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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