Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
