i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
