Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
