dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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