She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Found the puke drawer
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
