mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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