last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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