i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
