Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
