this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
