Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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