I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We need a shit load of segways right now
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
