If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
