i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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