I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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