Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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