4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
