he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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