Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
