I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
