the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
